If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
