Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
