just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
