guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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