Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
