just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
