hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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