Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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