Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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