I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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