Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
