I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
