i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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