The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
