ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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