ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
