ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
