I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
