dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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