Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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