i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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