the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Enjoy the penises
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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