some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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