There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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