I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
