so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
