I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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