it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
