I think I won the penis lottery.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
