batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
