Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
