I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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