How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
