My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
