I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
