dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
