if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
