I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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