Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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