Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
