Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
