you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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