Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
