you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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