you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
