Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
