I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Boobs speak an international language.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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