I faked an abortion last night.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
