OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
