Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I intend to get homeless drunk
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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