I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
