The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
